Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Peyton Place: Burn In Hell

This was such a bad idea.

I thought reading trash would be easy. I thought I'd go through a book per week and not have to think too hard. I thought they would rest my weary mind.

But no.

Which stinks more?
Instead they made my head hurt something fierce.

Stupid Peyton Place! Stupid, stupid Peyton Place! And stupid me for trying to read Peyton Place.

I couldn't finish it. Look, I tried. I got two chapters into Book 3 and then I gave up. I'm amazed I got that far. I should have just quit when the author smashed me with metaphor fists.

I'm not going to waste energy writing something witty and interesting about this book. The author didn't bother writing anything interesting or witty, so why should I?

So here, in no particular order, and in point form, is why this book sucked ass:

  • The book is about events, not people. There is no character development. There is no depth. There is no motivation. There are only clichés, like the wise old doctor and the neighbourhood lushes.
  • For reasons unbeknownst to me, the high school principal date rapes his girlfriend to seduce her. She eventually marries him because he's a good guy and great in bed, even though she shudders when they pass where he fucking raped her. This was where I disengaged completely because the author definitely didn't think there was anything wrong with this, but I am sure that even in 1950-whatever this was not acceptable.
  • A character was introduced solely for the purpose of killing her off and making another character lose her shit. How lazy is that?
  • A fire literally suffocates the town during the time when all the Bad Things happen. It's like the World Wrestling Federation gave the author lessons on subtlety.
  • Exposition Fairies narrate most of the book. They possess characters and don't let them go. 

This book is what happens when an author has the plot, climax, and dénouement already nailed down, and just fills in the blanks.

This was horrible, awful, and shittastic.

If you want my copy, let me know. Otherwise I'm leaving it in the subway.

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